New Candidate Enters Presidential Race (Click here to see my thoughts on the outcome of the final election."

Hello and thank you for coming. I assume you're here today because, like me, you're starved for a Presidential candidate you'd feel comfortable electing. You're tired of old faces with new speechwriters and new names whose bland promises sound all too familiar. I'm with you, and I'm ready to do something about it.

My name is J.J. and I hereby declare my candidacy for President. It's the only way I can see to ensure there is someone who deserves my vote. And heck, I just got laid off so I don't have too much else to do these days.

To start, let me give you a quick autobiography: I'm the brother of three, the son of two, and the spouse of none. I've never done illegal drugs, though I have driven too fast on several occasions. Most of my friends are nice, successful and trustworthy people; pretty much all of them have smoked pot at least once. I confess to having had embarrassing experiences with both alcohol and women; I refuse to divulge details because my mother, whom I love very much, is alive and watches the news.

I am not a declared member of any political party. I hate junk mail and cold calls too much.

I am 33. According to the Constitution, then, I can't be President. But come on! George W. actually lost the popular vote and Clinton committed adultery in the Oval Office and lied under oath to a court representing the very laws he swore to defend. In the context of this recent shame, are you really prepared to hold my birthday against me? I didn't think so.

I am not a war hero or a draft dodger. The only wars I've lived through have been Cold, clandestine, or swift. That said, if I had gone to Nam or elsewhere, I hope I'd have the class to avoid using horror and tragedy for personal or political gain.

Now let's talk about policies. To get started, here are my basic stands on what appear to be the big issues:

Iraq

What were we thinking? Can we really say with a straight face and a clear conscience that we had to do it? Was France's irritation a sure sign that we were wrong, or right?

But that's all history. Let's spill the beans on intelligence that got us there, to regain credibility. Let's talk candidly about how bad it was, how bad it is, and how much better it’s going to be. Let's have a plan. Let's eat some humble pie and make some friends. If we don't, sooner or later, someone I know is going to get killed over there and most of the world will say he deserved it. That's no way to run a planet.

9/11

I'm a native New Yorker. 9/11 devastated me. But the heroism, cooperation, and unity of the days that followed have been replaced by violations of civil rights, fear-mongering, and pork-barrel politics. None of which will stop people willing to kill themselves for their cause. Let's bring the guilty to justice, leave the innocent alone, and maintain true freedom.

Middle East/Israel

Disengage. Neither side wants our help and there are much more productive ways we could be spending our money.

Affirmative Action

Oppression in America is economic, and it doesn't respect color, creed, or gender. We'll implement programs and laws that give the poor new opportunities for education, training, and employment. If you're rich, don't worry - you'll be fine. You always are.

Environment

Stop labeling cars like the PT Cruiser "trucks" to skirt emissions rules. Raise fuel efficiency standards for all vehicles. Ban noisy, smelly snowmobiles that annoy other tourists and scare the crap out of caribou in national parks - if somebody wants to invent quiet, clean ones, we'll rethink the rule. Make recycling mandatory throughout the country. Use smaller, more fuel efficient cars in the Presidential motorcade. Build bike paths along major commuter arteries. Encourage people to live smaller, eat less, walk more.

Social Security

Raise the age of eligibility for Social Security to 72. If you're 60 or older, you'll get in at 65. Everyone else, it's time to adjust your plans. Will this hurt? Sure, but now that we all live longer, we have to work longer. That's the hard truth.

Health Care

Sorry folks, but the constitution doesn't guarantee health care and there isn't a single efficient, viable program where the federal government pays citizens' personal expenses. That said, the government should work with insurers to build a safety-net fund to insure the uninsured through private channels.

Drug companies can charge whatever they want for drugs. Then if some private business from Canada wants to charge less to sell a product that is just as safe and effective, this President won't stop them. That's the free market at work. I'm sure big Pharma will adjust once they see their profits at stake.

Education

You don't need a college degree to answer phones. You don't need a college degree to manage a fast-food restaurant. You don't need a college degree to work the assembly line. Heck, you don't even need a college degree to run Microsoft or Dell. But the problem with education isn't what you really need, it's what employers require. Employers have begun requiring college for any old position they choose, closing the door on thousands of willing, eager, and qualified workers. So we'll fight back the only way we can - let's expand public schools to include two years post high-school. It'll be expensive, but it will cost less than the accumulated burden of college loans and shattered hopes.

Taxes

Taxes go up. Taxes drop. Taxes we've never heard of take center stage in debates. Taxes nobody can clearly explain got more convoluted. Flat tax. Death tax, Capital gains tax. Tax the rich. Tax the poor. Tax refunds. Tax, tax, tax. STOP! There will only be one change to the tax code in my administration - the tax on gas will rise to European levels, to inspire more efficient vehicles and skinnier, more active citizens, while reducing urban sprawl. All the other taxes will stay just where they are so we can silence the endless static of economists and pandering politicians trying to curry favor or prove unprovable theories. If we just leave it alone for a few years the government, just like you and me, can learn what's important, what's affordable, and how much money is really necessary.

In closing, you may be wondering if we can win this thing. The answer is a resounding yes, because we don't need to be elected to win. If just one of the candidates starts talking straight and embracing policies we can support, so we can vote with a clear conscience and real trust, we've won.

This isn't going to be easy. Most of the time it probably won't even be fun. But I'm ready to go for it. What do you say?

Get on board, and feel free to pass this along to anyone who'll listen.